The Myth Of Dillinger’s Dick

The Myth Of Dillinger’s Dick by Paul A.

In the film The Recruit, Colin Farell pleads with a pretty female spy to do Washington like a tourist: “Come on, we can go and sit on Lincoln's knee, look at John Dillinger's penis. I swear to God, it's in the Smithsonian.” They never got to the Smithsonian, and even if they did, they’d have been disappointed. But they wouldn’t have been alone. Every year, The Smithsonian gets hundreds - possibly thousands of requests - to see what many believe to be the most legendary penis of all time, the 15 inch – no, make that 20 inch, no, make that 22 inch – penis of John Dillinger. We can make Dillinger’s penis as big as we want because it’s a pure fiction. The dick isn’t on display at the Smithsonian and never will be. It doesn’t exist anywhere in their collection.

So they say, anyway. Conspiracy theorists, of course, believe otherwise. In fact, there’s an adjunct to the story that if you inquire about the penis, you will be met, not with denials about its existence, but with an excuse as to why it isn’t currently on display. This adjunct may be true and may in fact be how the myth got started in the first place. It’s not hard to imagine a Smithsonian attendant with a wicked sense of humor having a little sport with some hapless dick aficionados; and the next thing you know, it’s an urban legend.

Whatever penis Dillinger did have, was in all probability interred with the rest of his body. And in case you’re thinking of exhuming the body to see for yourself, be advised that it lies beneath a mesh of steal and concrete purposely placed to discourage grave robbers. The question remains though, how did this rumor of gigantic genitals get started? And even if his dick isn’t resting in a very tall jar, was the primary supposition true. Did Dillinger the legend have a legendary dick?

Consensus opinion is no, on both counts. No dick in a jar, no two foot long wiener. As far as I could tell from the literature there is no mention of his penis from anybody that would actually know. Usually, if a celebrity has a bat-sized beefstick, it gets around. People talk. I could give you a list (someday I might) of movie and rock stars who didn’t need to make a sex video to advertise their size. Even in prudish Victorian times it was generally known if someone was packing a whopper. Apparently Victoria’s own husband, Prince Albert was “hung like a donkey.” So if Dillinger was truly “off the charts,” chances are there would be some contemporary disclosure of this fact. As far as I can make out, there isn’t. The only intimate account of the man I could find was provided by his unsuspecting girlfriend, Polly Hamilton (she thought he worked for the Board of Trade), who spoke whimsically about his love of home cooking and his sense of fun, but made nary a mention of his wedding tackle. Now, all this doesn’t prove he wasn’t spectacularly endowed. After all, the rumor must have come from somewhere, right?

The germ of what became the legend of Dillinger’s schlong seems to have been this photo taken shortly after he was shot and killed by the FBI. And hey, you can see how rumors get started. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it’s a little known scientific fact that a man can have an erection after his death. It’s known colloquially as “angel lust.” It’s even been featured on the television series Six Feet Under and, unforgettably, in the “you just fucked a dead guy” scene from the movie Clerks. Death erections can happen in two ways. Surprisingly, neither one of which involves rigor mortis. Rigor mortis only affects muscles and your muscle-of-love is really just a spongy tube. What makes this spongy tube hard is pressurized blood. So either the body had an erection prior to death that hasn’t drained, or the body was left in such a position that blood and fluids flowed by gravity into the penis. But chances are, as soon as he was placed on his back the fluid would drain away. I say chances because there are conditions where the blood might not drain, but we won’t go into them here.

If that is his dick tenting the sheet, then it’s an impressive organ. It looks to be about 12 inches, give or take. Not 22 inches, but not too shabby either. But that’s all moot because, hey, sorry, it’s not his dick. It’s much more likely to be his arm which would have been in rigor mortis by this time. One wonders if the proto-paparazzi photographer positioned himself deliberately to get the effect. The most obvious clue that it isn’t a penis is the fact that nobody is looking at it. I mean, come on, any stiff with a giant stiffy is worth a second glance.

So alright, there’s a photo that makes the papers and generates a few chuckles. But is that enough to get a rumor like this started? And what about his dick being in a jar in the Smithsonian? Well I’ve got a couple of theories. The first is that people wanted to believe he had a huge dick. Dillinger was a legend in his own time. He was good-looking, dangerous and charismatic. He was almost supernatural in his ability to escape from confinement and generally make the Feds look like fools. He was a hero, a criminal hero to be sure, but people were pulling for this guy. There’s even a club that gathers annually on his birthday to celebrate John Dillinger Day. And what’s more awe inspiring than a HUGE dick. As with Rasputin, a big tool greatly enhances an already legendary reputation.

But the Smithsonian rumor, how did that get started? No one knows for sure, but it’s likely that it was a case of mistaken museum identity. Kitty-corner to the Smithsonian Museum is the National Museum of Health and Medicine, which houses many famous body parts, including the vertebrae of John Wilkes Booth (pierced by a bullet) and for some unfathomable reason, Eisenhower’s gallstones. And, yes, there are (or were) a few penises in jars, although none were attributed to John Dillinger. The actual germ of the Dillinger dick in jar rumor is lost to the winds, but it could be something as innocent as some guy looking at one of these specimens and declaring “Gee, I’d like to see John Dillinger’s dick.” Then some guy who overhears him assumes that the dick is somewhere in the collection and asks about it only to be told that “It’s not here... try the Smithsonian.”

According to Peter Carlson, who recently did a piece on the Smithsonian for The Washington Post, deep in the bowels of the Smithsonian, away from the public displays, there is a jar with a long dick-like object floating in it. The label reads: "J. Dillinger FBI Transfer SI Mammals Div." Then below that, handwritten: "To Anthropology 1-27-53." But it’s a joke. The dick-like object is made of plastic. But the date (1-27-53) suggests the rumor has been around for at least that long.