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[The PlayingWith entry] PlayingWith
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TroperTales
alt title(s): Third Leg Syndrome
Biggus Dickus
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A massive cock.
There she *
Oholibah, one of the kingdoms of Israel
lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
— Ezekiel 23:20, often called the dirtiest passage in the Bible.
The bigger the penis is, the better the sex is.
There. Now that that's out of the way, no idiotic snickering.
This assumption is a staple of modern fiction when it comes to Sex Tropes. It's the reason why Compensating For Something is, by its very nature, an insult- everybody knows that a real man has sex all the time. A heroic character, when his penis is mentioned (which isn't all that often, except by innuendo), will usually have a big one.
Consequently, this is also the reason why villainous or loser characters are portrayed as having a small penis. It's a deficiency that makes them bad people, or at least not cool like the heroes are. By further extension, Good People Have Good Sex, to some degree because they're usually well-endowed.
In Real Life, size is not everything. In fact, a sufficiently large penis (pretty much anything around the ten-inch zone) will actually hurt the receiver—there's no such thing as an O Ring Orifice. Unsurprisingly, most writers don't really think through the implications of having a penis this size penetrate someone whose hips might actually be smaller.
Fan fic lemons have a tendency to exaggerate this trope to an even greater extreme. This might be strange if we consider that most fan fic writers are girls, but makes sense considering that a) many of these girls have no sexual experience, and b) many women simply like their fictional guys well hung. And as for the guys...yeah. The term "doomcock" (possibly coined by fandom-wank, although more likely derived from Starr's gun-fondling Madness Mantra in Preacher) is used in fan fic criticism circles to refer to such an appendage. Frequently the precise dimensions are given, which conjures up the image of the PoV-character getting out a tape measure mid-act. For the record, according to That Other Wiki, 90% of men have penises between 5 and 7 inches in length (13 - 18cm), and less than 2% are above 8".
See Gag Penis when this is done for laughs. For female breasts that are big, it's either Buxom Is Better or Gag Boobs. In order for women to take most men of this nature, they'd also need an O Ring Orifice, doubly so for Yaoi Guys (or male/female anal sex). When a writer goes extreme, then they Fail Sex Education (as well as Biology, for the very worst of cases) Forever.
Despite being the Trope Namer Monty Pythons Life Of Brian has nothing to do with this. See also IKEA Erotica.
Can sometimes be taken to ridiculous lengths (ahem) by authors confused by the metric/imperial system, and basic mathematics. Particularly bad are fictional human penises with a circumference of 2 feet - meaning 7.6 inches, or about 19 cm wide. Another common mistake is to confuse the terms "diameter" and "circumference". "Diameter" means "distance across"; "circumference" means "distance around". A penis 5 inches (12.7 cm) in circumference is roughly average. A penis 5 inches in diameter would be... Tell you what: a CD, DVD, or computer game disc is 12 centimeters in diameter, or about 4.7 inches. 10 cm (4 inches) is the approximate average width that a woman's vagina stretches out to while giving birth. Again, that's the widest it should be expected to stretch. Look at that CD again; that's what a baby's head has to fit through. Dildos larger than this do exist, but are the rare exceptions, and perhaps unsurprisingly, are rather dangerous.
Examples:
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Advertising
* An Australian animated ad for Red Bull shows a man at nudist camp with an extremely long black censor box. The girl next to him is very impressed and gives him a Red Bull. The censor box rises as he drinks it, before he flies away (much to the girl's disappointment) because "Red Bull gives you wings".
* A phone application add which lets you measure a guy's penis length. The ad for it showed it used on various cartoon characters, measuring (in order of appearance): 27 cm, 31 cm, 34 cm and 3 cm. The first three were shown as manly men, the fourth was suddenly unveiled as a little girl in a pink dress. So yeah.
o And that's not the worst part? 30 cm is only half of the maximum length it measures.
+ That's 12 inches, and requires the uterus to sit just under the lungs. The maximum length requires a woman to be able to breathe through her womb.
* There's a late-night infomercial for a penis-enlargement pill with "testimonials", and among them is a woman who calmly states that the biggest penis she has ever been with was "ten or eleven inches" like it was no big deal, acting pretty calm about the fact she most likely had sex with a horse.
Anime & Manga
* Roberto from Monster. If we are to believe the obese prostitute with whom he was having sex.
* In the manga Gakuen Heaven (not the Yaoi Guys series, actually, but a different one that happens to have the same name and basically completely opposite subject matter; It's about a ronin teacher at an all girls' school), one of the antagonistic teachers has such a huge penis that getting an erection knocked him out cold because of all the blood rushing out of his head.
* The male characters in Monzetsu usually have this. When they don't, the story makes up for it by having a lot of them. Or they use their arms.
* The rather prominent crotch-holster on Cyborg Guy.
* Don't forget Zorc's unusually placed dragon head.
o Lampshaded in Yugioh the Abridged Series: "Oh that's just my willie"
* One joke in circulation around the Code Geass fandom is that Mao, despite being a villain (a presumably-virginal psychopathic manchild, no less), has one of these (as a result of a certain scene featuring his shadow and the shadow of his chainsaw). Granted, there's no evidence that he actually does; just that some fans say he does.
* At any rate, an amazing penis.
* If his ridiculously small sword is any indication, Muguruma Kensei has absolutely no deficiency to compensate for.
o One would wonder how Ichimaru Gin, whose sword is short in unreleased state but lengthens to incredible sizes once released, fits in the scheme of things.
* Makunouchi Ippo from Hajime no Ippo was gifted with a monster-sized penis, but instead of bragging his manhood around, he actually feels ashamed of it and tries to hide it from others. His close friends plays jokes and pranks as his expense, including writing messages (With a permanent ink marker!) on Ippo's penis while he was asleep in the hospital.
o They wrote a lot of things. Think about that for a while.
* 5 metres, anyone?
* Randel Oland from Pumpkin Scissors. The amazing size of his penis leads to one nurse at the hospital where he's staying to become obsessed with finding a hospital male urinal (like this one) that would fit him. This leads to a running joke where the nurse constantly attacks him during his stays with urinals she's reinforced or new attempts at shoving him in them. It goes without saying that Randel is appropriately terrified of her.
* Shalott of Air Gear. When he reveals to Agito that he's actually a guy by lifting his frilly looking dress up, an elephants trunk is used to symbolize the size of Shalott's junk.
Comics
* When The Boys journey to Russia, they meet the ex leader of the Soviet superhero team The Glorious Five Year Plan, who went by the name of Love Sausage.
o And just in case you didn't get the reference, the title of issue in which he takes up his old role as hero? Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite
o He can't run with an erection, which proves to be something of a problem when he and Hughie end up in a strip club. Big titties are his Kryptonite Factor.
* Several characters in the Italian porn series Ramba. Deconstructed; it is shown as being painful to the women involved, and is sometimes used to deliberately torture them.
* The supervillain known as the Hidden Salami in XXXenophile.
Fairy Tales
* A collection of fairy tale porn. There was a magic cock ring that grew a man's endowment to a length of about half a league. He could only wear it partly on his finger in order to not cause irreparable damage to the woman he was with, and the woman's mother died in a tragic accident when she tried to sex him up in his sleep, and the ring slid all the way onto his finger.
* One fairy tale had an extremely well endowed male character searching for a bride, no easy task considering his size. He finally found one and they decided to get married. Some time before the wedding they had a party, but they didn't have enough places for people to sit. The man unzipped his trousers and rolled out his member for people to use as a bench. When the bride to be entered the room, the man instantly got an erection, throwing the people who were using it as a bench into the roof, breaking their necks.
Fan Fic
* The fanfic version of this trope, taken to its logical extreme. (The link doesn't go to the fic itself, just the fanfic-rants post about it. The fic itself, unfortunately, is Lost Forever.)
o IT COULD GET ON DISNEY ATTRACTIONS BY ITSELF.
* A post on Bad Roleplayers Suck: Adult about a birdman (capable of flight!) with genitalia almost the size of the whole rest of his body. When he tried to blackmail the princess of an asexual race into pleasuring him, she screamed at the unfamiliar sight and had her bodyguards break it off with giant wooden clubs.
o Ducks have a penis length that is about 120% of their total body length. Depending on what type of bird this "birdman" is, this trope would actually be subverted in this fic's case.
+ It's possible- but the difference between a duck's schwanz and this guy's schwanz is that a duck's is a prehensile organ that facilitates their rape fetish (Yes, cute little duckies are big on rape), whereas this guy's was just huge and went thump.
* In the fan-dubbed Fisting the North Star, one of the characters is named this. Naturally, it also abuses other sexual tropes.
* A Redwall fanfic, Of Warlords And Pleasures, once featured a character with a twelve-inch penis. Not so bad... until you remember that this was a Redwall fanfic and the character in question was Cluny the Scourge, a rat. Admittedly Continuity Drift makes the animals change wildly between human and animal sizes from book to book, but he was in the first book, wherein they appear to be the same size as real animals (four hundred rats could fit in a horse-drawn cart, and a mouse fell and landed directly in a cat's mouth). So, since twelve inches would be roughly the same length as his whole body ... ow ow ow. Shortly after this scene, in the same fanfic, he proceeded to do something deeply unpleasant involving a spear to the victim. It's debatable which action would be more painful.
o This flaws shows up far too often in slashier Redwall fanfiction (which is extremely rare, but with this kind of mental image, once is too many). Otter/mouse is problematic enough when the option of human-sized anthromorphs is on the table, but when it's described as "as thick as his fist" you've got a problem (link thankfully to MS Ting). Made much, much worse in this case by the fact that the author of the fic being MSTed forgot the apostrophe when his lutrine character announced that his equipment was "larger than most otters". Punctuation saves lives, people.
* A (generally surprisingly good) slash of Snow White includes a thirty-foot-long dragon that enjoys being deep-throated by humanoid species, and using magic to reemerge from another orifice. It is shown as mostly uncomfortable for the recipient and undertaken only as an alternative to being eaten (not the fun way).
* In Light And Dark The Adventures Of Dark Yagami, Dark, after becoming King of the Shinigami becomes as large as a bus and gets a "man thingy" twice the size of a bus. He apparently grows in size later, as it is possible to land a plane on his "man thingy". Even after he loses his status as Shinigami King, he still has an exceptionally large "man thingy."
* Averted amusingly in this Fanficrants entry.
* Trevor "Hotshot" Cole of DC Nation had a brief snit as a porn actor. When this is discovered, his female teammates and their friends track down the film and make a movie night of it. Batwoman (Kathy Duquense from DCAU) is notably impressed at Trevor's "door prize from God".
* Actually played for drama in Misfiled Dreams, about how it being too big might not actually be pleasing for a woman, but rather painful.
Film
* Gattaca feels the need to inform us that, despite his genetic "inferiority", Vincent has "beautiful equipment". It was actually a prosthetic, and the doctor knew this the whole time. He was admiring the craftsmanship.
* Young Frankenstein went into about half a dozen jokes going on about the monster's enormous schwanzstucker. Voof.
* In Blazing Saddles, the hero actually manages to convert a seductress hired by the villain to the good guys purely by impressing her with his penis.
o I'm sorry to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're sucking on my elbow.
o Baby please, I am not from Havana.
o Fifteen is my limit!
o It's twoo. It's TWOO!
+ And later: "They said you was hung!" "And they was right."
+ And earlier: "'Scuse me while I whip this out."
* Inverted in A Chinese Torture Chamber Story, where it's also a plot point: Gott has such an impossibly large penis that no woman will have sex with him. He's also a very nice guy, so he refuses to force his arranged wife to take it. Eventually, the size of his genitals and what happens to them are the single most important plot point. This movie is weird.
o A Chinese thief has a literal horse penis transplant. Played for slapstick.
* Inverted in one soft porn spoof of Gladiator where the Emperor of Rome is called "Dickus Minimus".
* No! Too beaucoup! Too beaucoup!
* Lady Snowblood averts this. When the blackmailer Genjiro reveals his gigantic penis, the reaction from Oyuki, the title character, is not adulation, but horror. Genjiro himself is aware of the implications of his large penis, noting that one that large will usually cause the receiving woman serious pain.
o In the manga it was made clear that Oyuki was a lesbian. So Yeah.
* Anchorman. Don't act like you're not impressed!
* BASEketball had Matt Stone and Trey Parker's characters appear nude before the love interest, and their dicks are so big that they touch the ground. She can't keep her eyes off them and keeps having Freudian slips when looking at them.
* For the film Watchmen, the electric blue penis of the nearly-perpetually naked Doctor Manhattan (though it was not necessarily representative of Billy Crudup, who played the good doctor but was clothed the whole time. The doctor in his full magnificence was rendered via CGI in post production).
o Leading to many, MANY, snickers about the blue wang being a main character. The extended directors version contains more scenes involving said character. A scene with Dr. Manhattan walking towards the camera, his thighs batting himself back and forth proved a last straw for the studio, who then drew the line.
+ A review of the film made reference to "Lower Manhattan".
o Snickers confirmed, since the good doctor was more modestly endowed in Alan Moore's original comic.
* Inverted in Superman Returns: Brandon Routh's crotch had to be digitally reduced because it was distracting. Let that sink in for a moment. He knows for sure he's more "super" than Superman.
* Boogie Nights had Mark Wahlberg wearing a large prosthetic "stand-in" during nude scenes. The prosthetic then went on to win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor that year.
* Showdown in Little Tokyo. They actually halt an action scene just so Brandon Lee can tell Dolph Lundgren "Just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man."
* In Moulin Rouge, Ewan McGregor's character Christian is said to have a "Huge Talent".
o Also Truth in Television. Watch Young Adam, you get loads of nice gratuitous close-ups of Little Ewan.
+ If you can't find a copy of Young Adam, you can see plenty of him in The Pillow Book and The Velvet Goldmine.
+ There is nothing light about Obi-Wan's saber
o Also played with, if you'll pardon the expression, in Down With Love.
[Catcher (Ewan) is talking about his socks to Peter (David Hyde Pierce); his secretary eavesdrops on the intercom mid-conversation]
Peter: What would you say is the average length, for most men?
Catcher: How would I know? You think I spend all my time in the locker room at the club making a comparative study?
Peter: Let me see yours again, then. We could measure. I'll get a ruler.
Catcher: Better make it a yardstick!
Peter: Let's be accurate. Make sure you've got it fully extended. Have it up the whole way.
Catcher: It stays up all the way, all day long, man! That's the miracle I was telling you about: better living through chemistry. You got... 16 inches.
Peter: 16 inches! How long does a man's hose have to be?
Catcher: That's 32 inches of confidence in every step. Don't forget - I've got two of 'em!
[the secretary faints]
* "I have an eleven-inch penis... around. Think about it."
* Parodied in You Dont Mess With The Zohan, where the main character is featured with a massive bulge in his pants. However he later shows to someone else that he merely cultivates a large amount of pubic hair (apparently it helps with the ladies) and the person observing it states "It's not that big."
* In Alien Nation, apparently the Newcomers are (to quote Beavis) "hung like a horse". George at one point becomes confused by the purpose of condoms. Sykes, somewhat reluctantly, takes pity on his new partner and explains the contraceptives purpose, rolling one over his fingers to demonstrate how it's supposed to be placed on the penis. George quizzically asks if the condom really fits, with Sykes answering that it's made of rubber and shows him that it stretches a great deal. George's response is a somewhat more quizzical "And it still fits?"
o A failed groin attack also demonstrates the aliens' testes are differently located.
* Pee Wee's first elated act in Porky's II, upon waking and recalling he'd scored at the end of the previous film, is to add a sharp (exaggerated) upward slash to his personal penis-growth chart. His mom soon finds the chart in his room, and her eyes bug out at the Biggus Dickus implications.
o Perhaps more to the point, Meat from the original Porky's, who elicits a "That boy is deformed!" from a woman pretending to be a prostitute.
* Referenced in Unforgiven; where "Real Life Adventure" writer W.W. Beauchamp meets the subject of many of his stories, Little Bill Daggett, who takes it upon himself to correct the writer on the history he has exaggerated in his books. One story involves another character by the name of "Two-Gun" Corcoran; who was killed in a gunfight because his pistol malfunctioned, and he didn't actually have another one.
Little Bill Daggett: First off, Corky never carried two guns. Though he should have.
W.W. Beauchamp: No, no, he was, he was called "Two-Gun Corcoran."
Little Bill Daggett: Yeah well, a lot of folks did call him "Two-Gun" but that wasn't because he was sporting two pistols. That was because he had a dick that was so big it was longer than the barrel of that Walker Colt that he carried.
* Tarik in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle has a remarkably philosophical attitude about all the bad fortune he endures - he explains that having a big penis helps him cope.
* Apparently Mini-Me (Goldmember) can use his as a kickstand when he's tired.
* The 1975 Blaxploitation film Soul Vengeance has a wrongly-imprisoned black guy take revenge on the people who sent him up by strangling them to death with his giganic prehensile penis. The few reviews suggest it's not nearly as good as that sounds.
* Trope Namer is Life Of Brian, where Pontius Pilate has "a fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus!". The implications of the name are left mere implications.
* The naked fight scene in Borat. The censor box over Borat's equipment goes down to his knees. Reaaaaaaaaaaaaal subtle there.
o This was explained in a deleted scene, where he's interviewing a cosmetic surgeon and asks whether he could get his freakishly huge penis reduced in size. Apparently all his friends make fun of it all the time.
* Guy from The Full Monty:
Gaz: You can't dance, you can't sing. What good are you?
Guy: Well, I have this [drops pants]
[everyone stares in amazement]
* The eponymous monster from One-Eyed Monster. Not only is it Ron Jeremy's dick, but it's loose, and it's killing most of the cast and trying to impregnate the rest. Better Than It Sounds
o Well, there's certainly no way it could sound worse.
* Nine Dead Gay Guys has the "Really Hard Red Bull Test" offered by the character Golder's Green: in order to get into his house you need to have a dick as long as or longer than 2 cans of Red Bull stacked one on top of the other. Three characters in the film are seen to pass it: the Queen, Kenny, and one of the Three West African Brothers, although his other two brothers could have passed it as well
* A small one in the film Kinsey - early in the film, Alfred Kinsey and his wife have come to a doctor because they're having trouble consummating their marriage. The doctor explains that sometimes, if a woman with a thicker-than-usual hymen is matched with a well-endowed man, it can make sex tough. He holds out a ruler and asks Kinsey's wife to point to the ruler, indicating how big the...member in question is. She hesitates, then points to a spot in the air TWO INCHES past the end of the ruler. The doctor just raises his eyebrows a bit and says "I'm surprised you didn't pass out."
Literature
* Played straight in the BEArchive story Keeps The Autodoc Away, where a couple hack the titular Autodoc to "cure" them of being out of shape. Al tells the machine to, among other things, turn all his fat into an enormous penis, which he promptly wraps himself with to go show Betty, his wife. He later passes out from a seven-foot erection. Oh, and if it wasn't obvious enough, this link is not exactly safe for work.
o Bigger is better for sexual characteristics is endemic in the BE community - the rationale presumably being that a guy needs to be keeping up if his girlfriend just got basket ball sized breasts.
* The wildling called Longspear Rik from 'A Song Of Ice And Fire'. "But he fights with an axe."
o Hodor. Justified as he is freaking huge.
* The Anita Blake series is guilty of this. At the extreme end, a character is mentioned as having one six inches ... wide. And a foot long. Yes, a thigh-sized penis. Never mind that in real life it would be a painful handicap.
o Said character is derisively called 'Tripod' by fans and anti-fans alike.
o And another character — considered to be merely "well-endowed" — was described in inches. Somebody measured that, and figured out that it would be the size of a two-liter soda pop bottle. And yet, we're supposed to think that a tiny woman can "handle" such a Biggus Dickus because she's simply that awesome.
o Laurell K. Hamilton's second series begins (in sexual terms) pretty much where the Anita Blake series was at the time she started writing the new one. While the very concept of "too big to not hurt" is mentioned in both (the example above was being used as an example), the majority of the female (and male) characters can enjoy pain or outright insist on it. The concept of "big enough to kill a human woman" is also mentioned ... but most of the females aren't human and can take a lot more damage. In the second series, when it comes to light that one man can be hung like a horse ... literally. A woman is shown in misty-eyed regret that she never let herself experience that.
+ It must be noted that the aforementioned misty-eyed woman is the main character's insane, sadistic aunt, who is shown to be heavily into BDSM.
* In A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, Owen Meany is extremely short (he was only accepted by the U.S. Army because the Vietnam War was happening and they were desperate), and yet it is, for some reason, mentioned that his penis is large.
* When Michael Crichton wished to insult a critic, he put a character into his novel Next whose name was almost an exact namesake of the real critic. Both had almost exactly the same job, but the character was a child molester. With a small penis.
* Harold Robbins has the men in his novels with large penises. One villain even had one so large that it was almost a defect.
* In Please Kill Me, a book about the late 1960s counterculture and the birth of punk, one of the interviewees explains the reason for Jim Morrison's popularity. It wasn't his poetry, that's for sure.
* After her first session with a new love interest, the heroine of John Varley's Steel Beach specifically references this trope when she bitches at length about the tendency of first time Female-to-Male gender benders to check off the "HUNG" option even though they'd just been girls themselves and really ought to know better.
* In David Drake's Cross the Stars, Don "Mad Dog" Slade dismisses the notion that a large penis equals sexual prowess ("It's not the size of the tool, it's the skill of the workman") but not until after the author mentions that his army buddies briefly called him "Tripod" before an earlier nickname reasserted itself.
* Jondalar of the Earths Children series spends much of Valley Of The Horses whining about how he can't find a woman who can take him at full length without pain. (Despite his otherwise legendary bed skills). The fact that Ayla could is one of the things that supposedly mark them as soul mates. Never mind that those who'd read the first book, Clan of The Cave Bear, know there's probably a not-so-wonderful reason Ayla can take him without complaint. His defining trait earned him the Detractor Nicknames , "Jondalar The Wonder Penis" and "Dongalar."
* Mario Puzo takes a rather large detour from describing the Corleone family saga in The Godfather to describe Sonny's large penis. The moment makes it into the movie as well if you're looking for it during the wedding scene - watch his wife's hand gestures carefully. However, this is one of the few realistic examples: Sonny's mistress is pretty excessive down there too, and needs vaginal reduction surgery later on, in order to have good sex with lesser men than Sonny.
* Flashman is apparently quite impressive in the trouser department. On his way to an interview with the beautiful (and single) daughter of an Apache chief, Geronimo tells Flashy that it might go better if he had left his trousers off.
* One of Larry Niven's characters in the Known Space universe is a rich thrill-seeker nicknamed Elephant. For good reason. Or so his girlfriend claims.
* Four of those procured for the main characters of the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom are men selected entirely on the sizes of their penises. The best-endowed among them sports a member 13 inches long and 8.25 inches in circumference (2.6 inches in diameter).
o One of those main characters, the Duc de Blangis, is similarly endowed. Averted, since he injures many people he has sex with, and is described as only having vaginal sex out of cruelty. Only partially averted, though, since his best friend the Durcet LOVES it. Also averted by the character Bum Cleaver, whose penis is bent in such a way that it tears whatever anus it goes in. (Again, Durcet and the other main characters don't seem to mind.)
o Things get more out of hand, so to speak, in his Justine, one man has an organ 18 inches long by 16 in circumference, others are 18 by 12.
* In Robert A Heinlein's later books, for the adult readers, he was sure to mention that his male characters all had large penises. Along with their many other Mary Sue traits.
* There is an Arabian Nights-inspired story in which two illicit lovers earn a single wish each at the story's beginning. The hero uses his one wish for the obvious type of self-improvement, allowing him to better please his lover: a genie's human betrothed. When the genie and her father come to kill her lover, the bride-to-be uses a magical bag to reduce the hero's penis to near-microscopic size. Seeing this, the genie is so humiliated to have lost his bride to such a poorly-endowed man that he departs in shame. Disgusted, the father disowns his daughter, leaving her to whatever feeble pleasure she might gain from wedding the ill-equipped hero ... not realizing that she has one wish left.
* In one of Pu Songling's fairy tales, the protagonist is too well endowed for any (human) woman to handle safely. So then a werefox tries to seduce him, he is overjoyed. Alas, he proves too big even for the shapeshifting fox, and narrator quips about how chasing away werefoxes could become his profession.
* Mocked in one of the Deathlands novels; Doc Tanner's Raised By Wolves sometime girlfriend Lori runs off and has an affair with a local bad boy. She then returns to the group, complaining that his big dick came with a small brain. Ryan dryly remarks that he "hears that's often the way".
* In Breakfast Of Champions, Kurt Vonnegut gives precise dimensions for the penises of all the major main characters. Not surprisingly, the largest by far is his own Creator Cameo. Of course, modern science was never quite sure what Vonnegut was on.
o It's even weirder than that: he wrote his was five inches across, and three long. Of course, this is Post Modernism we're talking about here. I could just about say with a straight face that Vonnegut was deconstructing the notion of stuff having to make sense.
o Of course, this is ignoring the man whose(if I remember correctly) penis is described as several miles long, though most of it was only in the fourth(?) dimension.
+ Obviously, the fourth dimension is time, so it starts having sex before he arrives!
o Vonnegut subverts the trope in Slaughterhouse Five. The main character is described as an unattractive, meek, lanky everyman, but when he is displayed naked by his abductors, it turns out he's very well-endowed — "you never know who'll get one."
* In the Red Dwarf novel: Better Than Life, in the Better Than Life simulation, Rimmer tries to invoke this trope by acquiring artificial bodies with bigger and bigger penises, to the point where they approach Gag Penis levels. Unfortunately, instead of improving his sex life, it simply reveal Rimmer's huge insecurities, a point he is forced to confront himself over when he sees Lister's humble but happy life.
* In Snow Falling On Cedars, Carl Heine has a large penis. This is repeatedly emphasized, to the point when the coroner observing his dead body gets penis envy.
* In The League Of Gentlemen's Apocalypse, Geoff Tipps writes himself into the screenplay for Show Within A Show The King's Evil, and specifically points out, a propos of nothing, that he has a big cock. In the screenplay, at least.
Geoff Tipps, a clever man with a big cock, comes in and stops the king from being killed. He is a Hero. His cock is big.
* There is a Russian poem of unclear authorship called "Luka Mudischev". It is a story about a widow who looked for a really big dick, and found a 35 cm one attached to the titular guy (with his last name actually having that meaning)... Let's just say that the end is TRULY ghastly.
* In The Hellfire Club by Peter Straub, the villain Serial Killer Dick Dart is repeatedly stated to have this. He's awfully proud of it, too, saying that his name was rather appropriate. He claims that women are crazy about him because of it, and he's shown to get very frustrated when he can't make Nora climax.
* In John Ringo's There will be Dragons, a small (4'1'') elf says she used to be married to a yeti. When asked why, she says, "Think about how big his hands are. Now think lower." The stunned audience goes, "Wha ... how... ?" and she replies "Everyone's the same height lying down."
* Two of Tom Reamy's works of fiction (a short story and a novel) featured women raped to death (torn apart) by ridiculously well-endowed humanoid monsters (a demon and a minotaur.) In one, the investigating detective measures out some massive amount of seminal fluid during the autopsy. Tom wrote well but he may have had issues of some sort.
* Marcus Flutie of the Jessica Darling Series is described as having "12 inches of New Jersey Whitesnake". By several characters.
* Tom's dog in Neuropath, apparently. In a crude but funny scene, Gerard jokes that it's so large it should have its own website. And makes up some domain names. ("www.dog-got-a-bone.com")
* Steven Suffern, the well built, well hung masseuse at the polo club.
* In One Hundred Years Of Solitude, the eldest son, José Arcadio is described as headstrong, impulsive, and according to the traveling prostitute, has one of the largest pieces of genitalia she's ever seen.
* In Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Fanny Hill seduces the virginal young squire of her current lover, and is both delighted and horrified to discover the young man is equipped with "the maypole of a young giant".
* The genetically altered Minotaur in Piers Anthony's Battle Circle series Var the Stick had equipment so large it apparently crushes the internal organs of the recipient. Maidens are given to the creature as a sacrifice in this manner. Anthony has many issues.
Live Action TV
* Coupling's Patrick Maitlan had a sex toy molded after him coming in at about ten inches.
Jeff: Even that bit?
Patrick: Especially that bit.
o On said sex toy (although he had not realized that is what happened when an ex created it),
Patrick:She said it was her best ever model, said she'd never had to use so much material.
Steve: Yeah, yeah. We know.
Jeff: There's big, there's balance problem.
Steve: And there's bazooka man.
o This is actually used as psychological warfare by Sally to break up a bad date. She sends Patrick into the bathroom after him.
Sally's Date: Oh, well. You know what women always say.
Patrick: "Ouch"?
* Averted on Skins. Chris is well-known to have a small penis but this does not have any negative effect on his confidence, his sex life and his success with women
* On The X-Files, Mulder and Scully come across a Literal Genie and learn that her previous "owner" had died because he wished himself one of these.
o Chronic morbid tumescence.
* Subverted in an episode of Sex And The City. Samantha hooks up with a guy who warns her that he has an enormous penis. She is excited at first... until she sees it. When they do have sex, it turns out that it's too huge for her to take.
o Her first male friend, ever. by the way.
o In another, she meets a man who is the model for the second-most successful sex toy in the United States (#1 in Canada). It turns out that he's tired of women only seeing him as a walking penis, and tries to impress her with his poetry. She's not interested in his poetry.
* Played straight in the cult French-Canadian series "Dans une galaxie pr?de chez vous". Card Carrying Villain Scientist Brad Spitfire is revealed to have a small penis after being hit by a naked ray (A beam which sole purpose is to render people naked), prompting Petrolia to exclaim "Wow, the nose really is in proportion to..." before being cut off. On the other hand, when the Captain is accidentally turned into a baby after spending too much time on a time-bomb planet, Valence comments, while changing him, that he's very well equipped for his age.
* In Green Wing Martin, judging by the reactions to the nude portrait Sue White keeps in her office, has a large one.
* Averted in The Sopranos. Christopher is revealed through a strip search to have a small penis but this does not effect his sex life in any way.
* David Spade's character in Just Shoot Me was seen naked in a sauna by his boss. The boss later described it as "Have you ever seen a small tree with one very large branch?" His character dated supermodels.
o David Spade himself has been known to cavort with a supermodel or two. Maybe the incident is based on a true story?
* In a deleted scene from the Torchwood episode "Meat", in which the romantic rivalry between Jack and Rhys over Gwen comes to a climax, Ianto comments that he "half-expected [them] to get out the measuring tape." Jack, being Jack, apparently makes him, er, make his own estimate. (Which, by the way, might explain the "measuring tapes never lie" at the end of "Adam.")
* The entire fucking premise of the new series Hung.
* In an episode of Rome, Atia sends Servillia the gift of a slave with a gigantic dick. Yes, we see all of it. Thanks, HBO!
Atia: A large penis is always welcome.
o Interestingly, there's evidence that the Romans didn't actually believe bigger was better - the slave having a Biggus Dickus could be viewed as a Cultural Translation in this light.
o Or it could be a personal preference of Atia's despite cultural dispositions. Characters on stage during in-show theatrics were often adorned with large costume erections to supplement their absurdity. Atia's own sense of sexual propriety was rather lacking throughout the series (as evidenced by the gift under the circumstances).
o Romans (or at least the Greeks) thought a big dick was a sign of barbarism. Nothing is said about what their women thought of it. In point of fact, as far as the Greeks were concerned... yeah, the women were irrelevant. But I'd guess the guys getting thighfucked might have an opinion.
* Similar to the Rome example, one episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand featured a new gladiator with an impressive piece of equipment who became a noblewoman's gift. Due to the bloody politics of the show, he and his equipment don't survive the episode.
* In one episode of Scrubs, Dr. Kim Briggs, in order to dick around with JD, draws a long line on a chart claiming that it's representative of the average length of the penis which has the patient casually replying "Sounds about right" and JD looks shocked and embarrassed while Turk silently agrees. After leaving in a huff, JD attempts to call her bluff by pulling back the patient's bedsheet. "OH MY GOD!"
* One Saturday Night Live sketch involved the celebrity trial de jour (Mike Tyson?) which had the defendant's lawyers officially entering his penis as evidence; he whips it out (off-camera) and THUNKs it down on the table. Cut to the bug-eyed slack-jawed stares in the jury box.
* On Friends, Rachel sees Chandler handcuffed to a chair in her boss' office. She undoes the handcuffs but immediately regrets it and asks Chandler if he'll let her cuff him back to the chair. He says no and they go back and forth until Rachel tells Chandler that if he lets her put him back in the chair, handcuffed, that she will tell Monica and Phoebe that he's really large. Joey and Ross later dispel this knowledge. "Two hours that lasted me."
* The upcoming MTV series The Hard Times of RJ Berger focuses on the class punching bag. One day, he gets pantsed during an assembly... and his underwear falls down in the process, granting the whole school an eyeful of his... yeah. Suddenly, his social life changes radically...
* In "Better Off Ted", Veronica and other characters reference Ted's junk.
o "I only use my junk for good, not evil" - Ted
* In "How I Met Your Mother", both Barney and Marshall's are discussed
o Lily often wonders about Barney's Barnacle
o Upon being slapped by Marshall in the season 2 episode "Slap Bet", Barney comments on the size of Marshall's hands. Marshall replies "What, you've seen my penis."
Music
* This is part of Ivor Biggun's bread and butter. Probably the most blatant case is "John Thomas Allcock". To quote the chorus:
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled.
It's a yard and a half if it's an inch and it's more when it's unfurled, oh oh
He's the man with the biggest plonker in the world.
o Honorable mentions go to "I've Got a Monster" and "The Cockerel Song".
* Kid Rock: "Devil Without a Cause"
Joe C.: "The Ladies' pick / I'm a crazy hick! / Three-foot-nine with a ten-foot-dick!"
* Da Vinci's Notebook "Enormous Penis" whenever life gets you down...
o "My meat is murder"
* Dos Gringos 12-Inch Penis, about a fighter pilot trying very hard to relieve his bladder while flying an F-16.
o Bonus points for said pilot flying 'hands-off' at one point, especially since the F-16's flight stick isn't between the pilots legs- it's actually on the right-side of the cockpit in the armrest...
* The British folk song "The Knife In The Window" is about a man with a "long fol-the-riddle-i-do right down to his knee."
* Dyslexic Speedreaders (Mickey Avalon, Dirt Nasty, and Andre Legacy): My Dick "is like supersize"; your dick "is like two fries." It gets better (or worse) from there.
* Subverted in the song "Big Ten Inch." ... record...
* In Mc Chris's album Dungeon Master of Ceremonies, there is a skit where this is Lamp Shaded (so to speak). MC Chris learns that Jesus has a 4-foot penis, and asks if it hurts the women he has sex with. Jesus responds that he "magically extends their cervix up to about their chest area".
o But it doesn't matter so much when you're having with dinosaur bird ladies.
* Voltaire's "Worf's Revenge" To quote:
When the ladies see the beast I got between my thighs
They say "Perhaps today is a good day to die"
* Then, there's Rodney Carrington's song, "12 inch dick, a dozen roses and a pickup truck." The song is a man singing about the three things he has that are going to make his woman happy tonight.
* Parodied in John Lajoie's "I Kill People", where he takes a break from rapping about murder, casual sex and hedonism in hilariously Beige Prose to dedicate a verse to his exaggeratedly huge penis.
* Butcher Pete by Roy Brown (part 1) ([1]) which was featured in Fallout 3, at first it sounds like a song about a Serial killer (fitting for the game) but if you pay attention you'll notice that it's actually about a Serial rapist (also fitting for the game) with a "long, sharp knife"
Porn
* Everywhere in porn. Male porn stars can't be attributed with less than seven inches. Furthermore, the size stereotypes are fully perpetuated about how a girl becomes "ruined" for other men and only the guy with the big dick can satisfy her now. And the racial stereotype of "black guys are bigger than white guys (who are bigger than Asian guys, who are then bigger than Indian guys" is exploited for all its worth: "Once you go black, you'll never go back."
o The black guy thing is parodied in The Amateurs, where a group of people creating a porn movie want a scene with black guys with big penises on a white girl, only to find out the black guys they hired don't have big penises.
o Most male talent in the porn industry are at the high end of average (six inches plus), but are disproportionate compared to body size. Hence, small guys with high-end average endowments easily look like average guys with large endowments, and are far easier on the starletts. There are a few porn stars who are genuinely well endowed, though they're the exception than the rule. John Holmes (see below) as an example was, for practical purposes, limited to partners who could comfortably accomidate him.
* In the Lolita Core Hentai series, the guys are typically about two feet long, and proportionately thick. The gals don't seem to have any trouble.
o You forgot the fact that they're also all Lolicon and Shotacon aged.
* John Holmes was credited to be the "largest" man in the industry. With a debatable exception of Tom Byron, Holmes certainly has had more sex on camera with more partners than any other man in history.
o His case shows that the bigger is not necessarily the better; due to his extraordinary size, he was unable to achieve a full erection. His co-stars have stated that his penis was never particularly hard during intercourse, likening it to "doing it with a big, soft kind of loofah."
o Twelve Inches according to an interview with Ron Jeremy. Ten-and-a-half according to some bios.
* Much of the works featured on the Hentai-Foundry website have these. Many Characters are usually depicted having at least one improbably large ... thing. And not just the men.
o Some members have taken this to Refuge In Audacity levels with depictions of male genitals that outsize the person they're attached to. Recipients (who will also possess at least one of these) don't seem to mind though, to the point that there have been jokes about these characters completely lacking internal organs and instead have several hearts to regulate blood circulation.
* Jeff Stryker is another male actor famed for this. In fact, the dildo modeled after his member is the largest mass-produced "life-like" one.
o Though not likely an authentic representation. Striker is reputed to be about seven inches, but his smaller frame makes him look significantly larger.
* "Vick" from the Teenburg porn site has an enormously long and thick penis. He can't seem to get it completely erect (he's a slim wiry guy), but he can get it up enough to work. His partners never seem to have any trouble taking it, even though many of them are rather petite.
* Porn star Mandingo...his name is Mandingo for a reason.
* Then there's Blackzilla, Yes you read that right. Other black contemporaries are Lexington Steele, Byron Long, and Jack Napier.
* There was a reason why Ron Jeremy is something of a celebrity. He's joked about being a subversion - a running gag in the industry was that one of the things women dread in the porn industry (alongside bestiality and sado-masochism) was sex with Ron Jeremy.
o Sex with the Hedgehog is joked as an issue for female talent, and it is indeed a point of concern for starlets new to the industry are put off by Jeremy's rather pedestrian appearance. On the other hand, Jeremy is well liked by the veteran pros for having significantly less of an ego than the more handsome (and these days, younger) male talent. He's also renowned as a bit of a sweetie, and an attentive lover.
o Nine-and-a-half inches, according to his own confessional interviews, and since Ron Jeremy's package is what landed him in Playgirl, which then kick-started his porn career, it's probably true.
* Several websites, such as Freaks of Cock and Fucked-Up Facials (they're really the same site with different names), have women do the normal routine with a few guys, then finish with a "surprise", being several men with obviously fake penises up to 14 inches to give her a facial that covers her whole body.
o Actually, in one episode of a related site, Cumshot Surprise, they don't even bother trying to hide the fact that it's fake. The "victimized" girl gets into her "assailant's" limo to clean off and the prop is clearly sitting next to the guy on the seat.
Stand-up Comedy
* Chris Rock's routine once included a bit about how, if they ever made a heated hockey rink, black athletes would take over that sport.
Chris Rock: "He ain't even gonna have a stick! He gon' smack the puck with his dick! POW! 'Slapshot, biatch!'"
* Ron White has jokingly described his member as only being a few inches long, but about eighteen inches in diameter, "Like a cheese wheel!"
o In another skit, he tells of taking a vacation and encountering a man who must have had a fully grown squirrel stuffed into his speedo. He meets this same man again, this time at a nude beach...
* Craig Shoemaker's "The Lovemaster" persona was made of this trope. Hell, at one point, he refers to it as a "Penis Collossus".
* There exists an MP 3 with Drey Carey entitled 101 Big Dick Jokes. Some of the memorable ones:
My dick is so big Stephen Hawking's got a theory about it.
My dick is so big there was once a movie called Godzilla vs My Dick.
My dick is so big I have to call it "Mr. Dick" in front of company.
My dick is so big it can chew gum. (WTF?)
My dick is so big it's got its own dick, and even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, movie theaters serve popcorn in small, medium, large and My Dick.
o Part of his old stand-up routine addressed this as well. "You shouldn't be able to be good-looking AND have a big dick; it needs to be one or the other. Look at Ron Jeremy. That's fair."
o The mp3 in question is actually a portion of the audio version of his book "Dirty Jokes And Beer".
Tabletop Games
* The infamous RPG FATAL. Let's just say this trope affects your character sheet.
o For all its various crimes, FATAL actually averts this. Hard. There's a reason "Cloaca Time" is a minor Memetic Mutation here.
* On a similar note the infamous 'Lidda and the Ogre' Dungeons And Dragons fanfic.
* GURPS has a feature for males called "enhanced primary sexual characteristics".
* In the Shadowrun game, a magician's astral body conforms to his or her "idealized self-image". This made for an amusing scene in the Shadowrun novel Burning Bright, when mage Kyle Teller appears to two female characters in his naked astral body. Comparison to rumors about male trolls, orks, and "even dwarfs" follow.
Theater
* Daniela implies this about Benny in In The Heights.
Daniela: They he's got quite a big..taxi.
Carla: I don't think I know what you mean.
Daniela: Carla! He's packing a stretch limosine!
* The Commedia dell'arte thought that this was hysterical and actors often used comically large fake penises for simulated sex on stage.
Video Games
* Dantes Inferno pushed the boundaries of Fanservice and is one of the VERY rare video games to show a blatant, uncensored, fully visible penis. Of course, being that of Lucifer himself, it's...impressively developed to say the least.
* Garrus has reach.
* Penis mods for the game The Sims 2 will almost always be huge and erect. It's also the same for boobs.
o There is one that lets you customize pretty much everything so you can choose whether to play up this trope or give your guys more modest dimensions.
* "And then the Tauren said, '13 INCHES'"
* In Fate Stay Night, Rin actually freaks out when she sees Shirou naked.
o Admittedly, she was a virgin and extremely nervous (so was Shirou, for that matter); Saber and Sakura are admiring, but not shocked. Shiki, on the other hand, managed to impress even the relatively experienced Kohaku.
* Mara. Just Mara
* In Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, Mike Toreno, in one of his calls to C.J., makes mention of how Sweet is getting a new cellmate in prison, a guy known only as "Horse Cock Harry." We never do meet the guy, but while the "eight kilometers of cock" line is very much an exaggeration on Toreno's part, it's made abundantly clear that Sweet is going to have a really bad time of it.
Web Comics
* In Boy Meets Boy, Mikhael's "freakishly large" penis is supposedly the main reason why his and Harley's sex life is so good, which in turn seems to be one major reason why their relationship is so good. It's really best not to over-analyze this comic.
* Ellen from Questionable Content apparently worried about sex since her only experience was watching porn about guys with a case of Biggus Dickus. Her boyfriend worries about what she'll think of his in comparison, and she tells him she's relieved since it looked painful.
* Rayne Summers from Least I Could Do claims to be at about 18 inches.
* If you don't get this XKCD comic, say his wish out loud.
o Which is itself the logical inversion of the old saw about a hard-of-hearing Literal Genie and a twelve-inch pianist.
o Have you heard the one about the man with the 11" cigarette lighter?
o xkcd also has this (maybe NSFW) to say.
* When Sluggy Freelance did a Voldemort parody, it recreated the scene where he goes from a shriveled infant to a grown man. Torg's response?
Torg: Are you sure you did the spell right? Why is his wee-wee still baby-sized?
* Jason from Something Positive may be both a use and subversion of this trope. One one hand, he was extremely popular with the ladies prior to his marriage, but, on the other hand, the only woman we've actually seen reacting to it onscreen responded with an expression of terror and the words "Uh, Jason? Could you please put that big ... thing back in your pants? It hurts my pelvis to look at it." We don't see the appendage in question, so you have to use your imagination.
* Implied in Order Of The Stick with both Elan (18 Charisma!) and Roy ("Trouser titan?").
* Kit N Kay Boodle stars a pair of anthropomorphic foxes with cartoonish and almost Chibi-like proportions. Except they're naked and anatomically correct. And their genitals are apparently not drawn to the same proportions. In some shots Kit's penis is nearly as long as his legs.
* Fighter may have one of these.
* Bob from Horndog.
* Peter of Peter Is The Wolf. Other than that one "feature", Peter is the runt of his pack; small for a human, let alone a werewolf.
Web Original
* Occurs in the Whateley Universe to the character Phase. She's a guy who was turned into a girl, but her 'equipment' did not change, and is in fact getting BIGGER. Also, Chad/Merry/Paige/Petra suffers from this, except that s/he has both sets of equipment.
o Averted in the Ask Sara section of the forum, where it is stated, bluntly, that no, a big dick does not cause better sex, and YES, it can be painful if it's too big. And people neglect girth. (According to Sara, there's no difference from about 4-12 inches.) Three inches girth is good. (Lower than four, no G-spot.)
* This trope causes much pain to Protectors Of The Plot Continuum. See the Fan Fic section for a couple of examples of what they've had to combat.
* It would seem that Benzaie of That Guy With The Glasses is an example, if his underwear dancing ("Helicopter", anyone?) is anything to go by...wow...
Western Animation
* Family Guy's Chris is also three-legged, much to the dismay of plantain-sized (or more accurately bananito-sized) Peter.
* Brock Samson from The Venture Bros, going along with his unparalleled manliness, is shown (through a towel) to have an impossibly large penis.
o An early episode has a villain's henchman break into spontaneous applause upon seeing a naked Brock.
Col. Bud Manstrong:: Is there a Smurf living in there?
* Parodied in Drawn Together countless times, though the most notable is the shower scene with Captain Hero and the villainous Terminator spoof. The censor bar covering Captain Hero's penis is relatively small, while the Termonator's reaches down to his knees.
o This is actually subverted if you watch episodes of the uncensored DVD versions - usually the censor bar for penises is several times larger than how it's actually drawn uncensored.
* Similarly, when Homer makes a dating video for Ned in one episode of The Simpsons, Homer had evidently added generous pixelation to the shot of Ned showering.
o When Maggie was born, Homer confused the umbilical cord with genitalia. His remark before the clarification? "Ah, it's a boy... And what a boy!"
* "I have got a ten-inch penis / Use your mouth to help me clean it."
* The Health Inspector and his 3 foot penis. There is no censor bar in the DVD version. And it leads straight to Prison Rape.
* Though certainly not on the show, Drew Pickles in Speakonia videos will often talk about his 300 mile long cock.
* On Robot Chicken, the Surreal Life cast is involved in a Lord of the Rings mission. You can guess what Ron Jeremy eventually discards his axe for while his horse does an eye take. The long censor box even knocks the enemy off his horse.[2]
Real Life
* Apparently, while filming Mulligans, they had to re-shoot a scene where Dan Payne jumps naked into a lake at night, where the camera is about 50 feet behind and over him, many, many times because he's proportionate (he's 6'4"/194cm and very well built, you do the math) and his wang kept flapping wildly to and fro. This coming from his co-star for the scene, a(n admittedly gay and out) guy.
* Dorking, Surrey, UK. There's a gigantic statue featuring a certain animal at the roundabout.
* Milton Berle?
o Referenced in the video game Destroy All Humans; if you read the minds of women, you sometimes get this response. "I wonder if it's true what they say about Milton Berle..." This prompts the thinker to whinny like a horse gleefully at the thought.
* Jonah Falcon
* Two members and one ex-member of the Japanese rock band X Japan. The most obvious is Yoshiki (pics linked in his article), but guitarist Pata is definitely competitive, and ex-bassist Taiji was actually the biggest.
* Apparently, President Lyndon Baines Johnson had a really big, er ... johnson.
o He called it "Jumbo" and was known to show it off at any provocation, including waving it at a group of reporters when they asked why we were still in Vietnam. (This was back when the press did their best to protect the honor of the President, obviously ... .)
+ That makes the Australian slogan of the time supporting the Vietnam War "All the way with L-B-J" kind of disturbing.
* Ron Jeremy (See above, under Porn)
* Patrick Stewart
* Those who get off on the size of their partner's endowment are generally termed "size queens." Without an actual O Ring Orifice, to accommodate the biggest guys, they might take poppers to completely relax the muscles of various orifices for a few minutes. The more you know...
o Oddly enough, one study found that the majority of women who are into large sizes tend to be relatively petite, mostly 5' 2'' and under. I can't speak as to the scientific rigorousness of said study, as it was carried out by a group called "the Hung Jury".
o Also worth pointing out that there is such a thing as too big. Too wide can actually hurt some girls, and longer than 8 to 9 inches is pointless, because it won't all go in anyway.
+ Normally, you'll do more harm with length than width: the cervix isn't impact resistant, and the vagina stretches better widthways than lengthways. By the time you get much over seven inches, an awful lot of women will have run out of room.
+ It depends on the cervix. Some women don't want their cervix even touched during intercourse, whereas others like it soundly pounded, and actually want that extra inch or two to ensure a solid impact. Humans are a diverse lot.
o The reverse is true for men having anal sex: the anus does *not* stretch anywhere near as well as the vagina. Needless to say, width is a much bigger problem than length.
+ ...or women having anal sex. Two men cannot have vaginal sex; that doesn't mean a man and a woman can't have anal sex.
* David Duchovny
* The Greeks inverted this trope to hell and back. They thought that a small penis was a sign of virility. A large one, they just thought was crude, or funny.
* Willem Dafoe's on-stage nudity is reputed to have caused gasps of amazement and delight.
* Tommy Lee.
* Porfirio Rubirosa Ariza - Dominican playboy; described as eleven inches long as thick as a man's wrist—and to this day the extra-long pepper mills in French bistros are called "Rubirosas."
* David Bowie, whose crotch (a.k.a. "the Area") has become a Memetic Badass.
o It has a religion.
o Particularly in Labyrinth, where he was wearing a form-fitting outfit and appeared to be trying to smuggle a gun carriage onto the set.
* Brandon Routh.
o In a similar situation, Mechad Brooks apparently need to have his crotch digitized to be more modest for his Calvin Klein underwear ads.
* Roddy McDowall
* Jim Carrey. Check out the movie All In Good Taste.
* Errol Flynn, also renowned for boffing half of Hollywood (men and women, alike).
o Hence the expression in like Flynn.
* Frank Sinatra
* Jimi Hendrix, according to his groupies.
o Cyntha Plastercaster (a groupie who made plaster casts of rock stars' genitals) stated that Hendrix's cast was the largest of them all. She dubbed the cast "Penis DeMilo".
+ See it here. The official length is 5 7/8". Plus you get a particularly squick story about how it was made, as well as a chance to actually buy one...for $1500 dollars.
+ Wait, are we talking 5 7/8" flaccid?
* Subverted. Studio execs reported that a nude scene in a Colin Farrell movie had to be cut because the audience "gasped" when they saw Farrell's endowment. Then his sex tape got out....and the hype died down to say the least.
* Horses' genitalia can be several feet long.
o As shown on a particularly nasty Shock Site.
o Meanwhile, those who handle horses regularly - and therefore have the distinct, er, pleasure of a job known as "sheath cleaning" - flinch at every instance of the phrase "hung like a stallion" because... Jesus fuck ow.
* Popular urban legend has it, that bank robber John Dillinger had a large member, and after he was shot, it was cut off, and preserved in the Smithsonian Institution.
* Conan O'Brien, according to the cast of short-lived show Andy Richter Controls The Universe.
* Ben Affleck. Seriously, anyone who makes fun of himself that constantly has to be packing something major.
* Both elephants and walruses have large genitals. Elephants have approximately four foot long, walruses have nearly five-foot long.
o The former is expected, but the latter is YIKES.
o Elephants can actually use their dongs as walking aids on difficult terrain. It's four feet long and prehensile.
* In the natural world the humble barnacle has the longest penis relative to the size of its body — in some species this is up to forty times the length of the animal's body. Given that they can't move and still need to copulate, they copulate by blindly flailing around the nearby rock face until they find a suitable hole.
* The blue whale has the largest penis in the world, up to 8 feet in length, but relatively speaking this is the equivalent of 10 cm on a human.
* In relative terms the longest penis in a vertebrate belongs to the Argentine Blue-Billed Duck, specimens of which have been recorded with up to a 45cm penis, more than twice the length of its body. A human with the same relative size would be 12 feet long.
* A bizarre historical example comes from Imperial China: one of the top advisors (and entrepreneurs) of the state of Qin, Lu Buwei, decided to end his affair with the Queen Mother (for various reasons), and found the man with the largest penis in the kingdom (a guy named Lao Ai) to replace him; he was disguised as a eunuch by plucking out all his facial hair. Lao Ai and the Queen Mother had kids, leading Lao Ai to lead a rebellion against the King of Qin, who promptly put down the rebellion, executed Lao Ai, and exiled his mother. That's right, a huge penis started a rebellion. Did we mention that this king shortly afterwards became Qin Shi Huang, the first true Emperor of China?
* Rasputin, apparently. No wonder he was so popular with the ladies.
* Some species of slugs have two feet long penises. That's around six times their entire bodies. I am not kidding◊.
* David Tennant's fangirls (not to mention fellow Doctor Who castmate John Barrowman) refer to him as David Ten-inch. Rumour has it that there is truth to this play on his name.
o Google "David Tennant naked." There isn't.
o According to Tennant's interview on Top Gear, Billie Piper started this rumor.
* Ewan MacGregor
* Inverted with Steven Merchant.
"I've often felt that, for a tall man, I've been a bit short-changed."
o Mocked on The Ricky Gervais Show, when they are talking about surviving a plane crash on a desert island.
Ricky: "So we've crashed on the island, and Steven's knob is ruined. We'll have to eat it to survive for three days..."
Steven: "I should be so lucky."
* John Edwards according to the people privy to the sex tape he made with his mistress.
* Stephen Colbert, if fangirl video-analysts are to be believed. Certainly talks about it a lot in character.
* The largest in medical records is 13.25" long, erect.
* Chris Pine's bulge is pretty legendary. It doesn't hurt that he's so fond of tight skinny jeans.
* Peter Steele of Type O Negative fame (very true. Nice bloke, but OUCH!)
Miscellaneous
* There once was a man from Nantucket ...
o Let's just say that the rumours about him are greatly exaggerated.
* Humans possess the largest endowment, on average, of all primates.
o Hardly surprising.
+ Huh-huh-huh, you said "hard."
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