Rasputin's Knob – The Greatest Penis Of Them All?

Share 6 February 2006 Rasputin's Knob – The Greatest Penis Of Them All? by Paul A. We’ve all seen porn. We’ve all heard rumors about Erol Flynn and Liam Neeson. Grace Slick won’t shut up about Jim Morrison’s show-stopping custard-chucker. There are some truly famous tallywhackers out there. But it’s worth asking - if only just for the hell of it - who’s was the greatest dick of all? Was it John Holmes? John Dillinger? Mini-Me? If it was simply a matter of size, we could just crack open the Guinness Book of Records... actually don’t bother. I just did and it’s not in there. Can you believe that? They have the longest appendix but not the longest appendage. Unbelievable. But we don’t need to check the record book to know there are guys out there who can’t wear shorts above the knee. It’s a statistical inevitability. Penis size follows a bell curve distribution. It’s been estimated that the standard deviation for penis size is about 0.75 of an inch. That means if the average size is 6 inches, one guy in fifty is 7.5 inches. You want to find a 9-incher? Odds are you’re going to have to go through 5,000 first. Ten-inchers are one in a half-a-million. And so it goes. There are 3 billion guys out there, so there’s got to be a few fellas causing more shrieks of terror than pleasure. The largest verified measurement is 13.5 inches while David Reuben in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex mentions one of 14 inches. But it seems to me that the Greatest Dick of Them All shouldn’t only be a matter of dimensions. The possessor should be someone of note, or notoriety. There should be a story behind it. And if these are indeed the criteria, then there’s really no contest. The greatest dick of them all, the undisputed king of dickdom, belonged to none other than Russia’s infamous love machine, Rasputin. I don’t have the space here to go into the whole sordid story of Grigori Rasputin, the monk thing, the lover of the Russian queen thing, the single handedly causing the Russian Revolution thing. As far as this discussion goes, the only thing that’s germane is Rasputin’s bacon bazooka, and as legend has it, it was something to behold. A whopping 13 inches erect and 11 inches flaccid. And if you maintain that “size doesn’t matter,” you may change your mind after learning that Rasputin was the toast of St. Petersburg well before he was popping up in Alexandra’s bed chamber. Wilt Chamberlain had nothing on this guy. Now, if 13 inches seems extreme, it is. A woman’s vagina is highly expandable but there are limits. The vagina is attached to the uterus and ovaries. And for a woman of average height 13 inches is just touching the sternum. We’re into the lungs here for God’s sake! So, was the 13 inch estimate an exaggeration? Well, the pictures tell the story. How do we know its Rasputin’s dick? Well that’s the claim. It’s currently on display at the Museum of Erotica in St. Petersburg and it’s obviously a monster. According to the museum’s curator it’s 11 inches, but even more impressive than the length is the girth. Towards the base it’s as thick a forearm. When erect it would have been a formidable sight. Was it thirteen inches, though? I’m guessing they’re overshooting by an inch or two, but hey, it’s still a remarkable womb-broom. The real question is whether or not it’s Rasputin’s penis. To learn the answer we’ll need to dip into history a bit. Rasputin was a semi-religious peasant pilgrim who supposedly possessed mysterious healing powers among his other, ahem, attributes. He reputedly stopped the bleeding of the Tsar’s hemophilic heir and won the trust of the Tsarina Alexandra. He ultimately became an important advisor to the Romanovs, and in so doing earned the jealously and wrath of members of the nobility who had a natural dislike for uppity peasants with foot long schlongs and a taste for married aristocratic women. But especially galling to them was the fact that he wasreally fucking things up. Russia was at war and losing badly. Peasants were starving. The whole country was staggering toward catastrophe. Big dick or no, he had to go. And so, a small cabal formed with the intent of seeing him gone for good. To carry out their nefarious plan, the conspirators invited Rasputin to the home of Prince Felix Yusupov. He was first poisoned with wine then with pastries, but when he was still in a party mood an hour later, the conspirators patience ran out and they shot him, point blank. Rasputin dropped like a sack of potatoes but he wasn’t down for the count. When they went to move the body, he sprang to life, attacked the Prince, and then took off like a bat out of hell. His assassins followed him out, shot him in the back, then in the head, and then for good measure, smashed his skull in with a barbell. But Rasputin refused to die and kept crawling away. Fearing discovery, they pulled him back inside where he finally lost consciousness. Then, driven by anger, sexual depravity (the Prince was himself supposedly a lover of Rasputin) or perhaps just an honest desire to preserve something genuinely magnificent, the Prince hacked off Rasputin’s penis and reportedly flung it across the room. Now you will note that the above dick in the jar was not cavalierly sliced off, Bobbit style. The whole scrotum was removed. This seems like way too much work, but as is evident from the specimen, somebody was willing to put in the time, so why not Prince Felix? This was after all, an evening defined by excess. The conspirators then tied the body with ropes, wrapped it in a carpet and dumped it in the half-frozen river. Rasputin’s body was discovered three days later. His wedding tackle, on the other hand, was discovered the next day by the cleaning maid. Accounts begin to diverge at this point but it seems that the dick then fell into the hands of a group of Russian women living in Paris who kept it in a wooden box and worshipped it as some kind of holy relic. According to one account, Rasputin's daughter, Marie, caught wind of this and demanded Dad’s dick back. It remained in her possession until she died in California in 1977. It then fell into the hands of an antique dealer named Mike Augustine, who bought it as part of a job lot that included some of Maria’s papers. Amongst the oddments, he found a desiccated chunk of flesh resembling the uncircumsized glans (head) of a large penis with a note identifying it as Rasputin’s penis. Mike consigned the dried-up dick to Bonham’s auction house that tested it and discovered that it was...well... a sea cucumber. Somewhere down the line somebody got duped. If Mike is on the up and up, logic would suggest it was either Maria or the girls of Paris, but at any rate, this particular trail turns out to be a dead end. That was in1994. Now from out of the blue the great dick resurfaces in a jar of formaldehyde in a privately-run Russian Erotica museum. Igor Knyazkin, a urologist who runs the museum as part of his St. Petersburg clinic, claims that he bought it from a French antiquarian for $8,000. The fact that he’s French suggests a possible connection with the girls of Paris, but it’s all just idle speculation. Knyazkin has not been forthcoming about the antiquarian’s name and this has led to reasonable suspicion of fraud. Some, following the nautical motif, have claimed that the penis is actually some kind of clam. I’ve seen the clam. It’s not. It’s definitely a dick but is it a human dick? There have been suggestions that it’s a horse penis. But horse penises are contained in large sheaths. No such sheath or the signs of its removal are evident in the photo. It does look human. The only way to tell of course would be DNA testing and so far Knyazkin has not bothered with such trifling matters. Maybe he doesn’t want to know. Why risk exposing it as a fake even if it’s not? Another consideration is the fact that the penis in the jar lacks a foreskin. While it’s true that circumcision was becoming common in Britain and America around the time of Rasputin’s birth, is it probable that such an operation would have been performed on a non-Jewish Russian peasant? Where do I fall on this? I’m undecided. I’ll admit the better part of mewants to believe it’s the real deal, if only because it would be so cool if it was. The legendary dick of a legendary man, sitting in a glass jar for the whole world to gawk at. I suspect I’m not alone in this regard, which is why - despite lingering doubts about its provenance - so many people have flocked to see it. We want to believe, and whether it’s Santa, Hitler’s diaries or the Shroud of Turin, we’re a little disappointed when we learn the truth. Someday the truth will come out. But until then... holy shit man... that’s The Greatest Penis Of Them All – Rasputin’s! Share
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The Myth Of Dillinger’s Dick

The Myth Of Dillinger’s Dick by Paul A.

In the film The Recruit, Colin Farell pleads with a pretty female spy to do Washington like a tourist: “Come on, we can go and sit on Lincoln's knee, look at John Dillinger's penis. I swear to God, it's in the Smithsonian.” They never got to the Smithsonian, and even if they did, they’d have been disappointed. But they wouldn’t have been alone. Every year, The Smithsonian gets hundreds - possibly thousands of requests - to see what many believe to be the most legendary penis of all time, the 15 inch – no, make that 20 inch, no, make that 22 inch – penis of John Dillinger. We can make Dillinger’s penis as big as we want because it’s a pure fiction. The dick isn’t on display at the Smithsonian and never will be. It doesn’t exist anywhere in their collection.

So they say, anyway. Conspiracy theorists, of course, believe otherwise. In fact, there’s an adjunct to the story that if you inquire about the penis, you will be met, not with denials about its existence, but with an excuse as to why it isn’t currently on display. This adjunct may be true and may in fact be how the myth got started in the first place. It’s not hard to imagine a Smithsonian attendant with a wicked sense of humor having a little sport with some hapless dick aficionados; and the next thing you know, it’s an urban legend.

Whatever penis Dillinger did have, was in all probability interred with the rest of his body. And in case you’re thinking of exhuming the body to see for yourself, be advised that it lies beneath a mesh of steal and concrete purposely placed to discourage grave robbers. The question remains though, how did this rumor of gigantic genitals get started? And even if his dick isn’t resting in a very tall jar, was the primary supposition true. Did Dillinger the legend have a legendary dick?

Consensus opinion is no, on both counts. No dick in a jar, no two foot long wiener. As far as I could tell from the literature there is no mention of his penis from anybody that would actually know. Usually, if a celebrity has a bat-sized beefstick, it gets around. People talk. I could give you a list (someday I might) of movie and rock stars who didn’t need to make a sex video to advertise their size. Even in prudish Victorian times it was generally known if someone was packing a whopper. Apparently Victoria’s own husband, Prince Albert was “hung like a donkey.” So if Dillinger was truly “off the charts,” chances are there would be some contemporary disclosure of this fact. As far as I can make out, there isn’t. The only intimate account of the man I could find was provided by his unsuspecting girlfriend, Polly Hamilton (she thought he worked for the Board of Trade), who spoke whimsically about his love of home cooking and his sense of fun, but made nary a mention of his wedding tackle. Now, all this doesn’t prove he wasn’t spectacularly endowed. After all, the rumor must have come from somewhere, right?

The germ of what became the legend of Dillinger’s schlong seems to have been this photo taken shortly after he was shot and killed by the FBI. And hey, you can see how rumors get started. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it’s a little known scientific fact that a man can have an erection after his death. It’s known colloquially as “angel lust.” It’s even been featured on the television series Six Feet Under and, unforgettably, in the “you just fucked a dead guy” scene from the movie Clerks. Death erections can happen in two ways. Surprisingly, neither one of which involves rigor mortis. Rigor mortis only affects muscles and your muscle-of-love is really just a spongy tube. What makes this spongy tube hard is pressurized blood. So either the body had an erection prior to death that hasn’t drained, or the body was left in such a position that blood and fluids flowed by gravity into the penis. But chances are, as soon as he was placed on his back the fluid would drain away. I say chances because there are conditions where the blood might not drain, but we won’t go into them here.

If that is his dick tenting the sheet, then it’s an impressive organ. It looks to be about 12 inches, give or take. Not 22 inches, but not too shabby either. But that’s all moot because, hey, sorry, it’s not his dick. It’s much more likely to be his arm which would have been in rigor mortis by this time. One wonders if the proto-paparazzi photographer positioned himself deliberately to get the effect. The most obvious clue that it isn’t a penis is the fact that nobody is looking at it. I mean, come on, any stiff with a giant stiffy is worth a second glance.

So alright, there’s a photo that makes the papers and generates a few chuckles. But is that enough to get a rumor like this started? And what about his dick being in a jar in the Smithsonian? Well I’ve got a couple of theories. The first is that people wanted to believe he had a huge dick. Dillinger was a legend in his own time. He was good-looking, dangerous and charismatic. He was almost supernatural in his ability to escape from confinement and generally make the Feds look like fools. He was a hero, a criminal hero to be sure, but people were pulling for this guy. There’s even a club that gathers annually on his birthday to celebrate John Dillinger Day. And what’s more awe inspiring than a HUGE dick. As with Rasputin, a big tool greatly enhances an already legendary reputation.

But the Smithsonian rumor, how did that get started? No one knows for sure, but it’s likely that it was a case of mistaken museum identity. Kitty-corner to the Smithsonian Museum is the National Museum of Health and Medicine, which houses many famous body parts, including the vertebrae of John Wilkes Booth (pierced by a bullet) and for some unfathomable reason, Eisenhower’s gallstones. And, yes, there are (or were) a few penises in jars, although none were attributed to John Dillinger. The actual germ of the Dillinger dick in jar rumor is lost to the winds, but it could be something as innocent as some guy looking at one of these specimens and declaring “Gee, I’d like to see John Dillinger’s dick.” Then some guy who overhears him assumes that the dick is somewhere in the collection and asks about it only to be told that “It’s not here... try the Smithsonian.”

According to Peter Carlson, who recently did a piece on the Smithsonian for The Washington Post, deep in the bowels of the Smithsonian, away from the public displays, there is a jar with a long dick-like object floating in it. The label reads: "J. Dillinger FBI Transfer SI Mammals Div." Then below that, handwritten: "To Anthropology 1-27-53." But it’s a joke. The dick-like object is made of plastic. But the date (1-27-53) suggests the rumor has been around for at least that long.

History's Greatest Dicks – The Top 10 Tools

1 April 2008
History's Greatest Dicks – The Top 10 Tools by Paul Aitken

When I was asked to compile a definitive list of the greatest dicks of all time I figured it would be a snap. Type: "top ten greatest dicks Wikipedia" into Google. Copy. Paste. Print. Job done. Alas, this strategy fails on two fronts.

First, there is no Wikipedia entry for the top ten greatest dicks. There's not even an acknowledged world record holder. The current record holder is out there somewhere but the field is so crowded with hucksters and shameless self-promoters with a talent for Photoshop, that it's hard to know where the truth lies.

Secondly, greatness is not a necessarily a quantitative issue. Even if we had hard scientific data on the ranking sizes of dickdom it wouldn't mean much to list the guys with the top ten biggest dicks. You wouldn't know who they were.

No, for a dick to be truly great there must be myth, legend and lore surrounding it, and preferably, its possessor. Some men are famous for their dicks. Some dicks are notable because they're attached to famous men. In compiling this list, I've included both. It's been an entirely subjective exercise and I'll let you be the judge.

10 – Jonah Falcon
According to the Channel Four documentary World's Biggest Penis, Jonah is the guy with the whale-sized cock. Hmm, but is it really the biggest? Jonah has a huge dick alright (almost as big as his ego), but his purported measurements s appear to be exaggerated. He claims to be 9 inches soft and 13.5 erect, but check out his photos and I'd say he sports more like an 11 incher – 2.5 inches short of his claim. Don't get me wrong, 11 inches is one hell of a dick, but it's not a record breaker. Nevertheless, given his acquired status as the numero uno big dick, he deserves inclusion in our penis pantheon. Jonah and his dick came to fame several years back when he appeared in an HBO documentary called Private Dicks: Men Exposed. He was later featured in a Rolling Stone article in 2003 and has been a guest several times on the Howard Stern Show. He made a game attempt to branch out into acting but has never played more than background roles. Now at 37, he's a living testament to the fact that a big dick is just that and no more.

Ah yes, speaking of shameless self promoters, this list would not be complete without the King of All Media and his famous trouser snake. As everyone who has ever listened to the Howard Stern Show knows, Howard won't shut up about the size of his dick. So how big is it? Well, according to Mr. Stern he's hung like a three-year-old. It's an exaggeration of course. In a moment of rare candor, Howard confessed his penis was in the 5-to-6 inch range. In other words he was average. So what's an average sized penis doing amongst all the titanic truncheons on this list? Because by boasting about the smallness of his prick, Mr. Stern made all the small-dicked men in America feel a little better about themselves, and for that alone his cock deserves to stand proudly with the all-time greats.

8 – Napoleon
Another little 'un makes our list. This time Napoleon's bone – apart (a bad pun perhaps, but it was allegedly chopped off) is certainly a contender for the world's most famous preserved penis in history. Maybe even more famous than Rasputin's or Dillinger's. Type "Rasputin" and "Penis" into Google and you get 77,800 hits. Type "Napoleon" and "Penis" and you get 618,000. Mind you, "Donald Duck" and "Penis" gets you 235,000 hits, and he's dickless, so maybe this isn't such a good measure.

7 – Long Dong Silver
Those of us beyond a certain age will remember this guy. Long Dong Silver, a play on Long John Silver, burst onto the late 70s porn scene sporting a cowboy hat and an 18 inch cock. In his brief but meteoric career he made films with luminaries like Marilyn Chambers and Britt Ekland. Long Dong retired from porn in the mid 80s but returned to fame in the early 90s during the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Clarence Thomas. Apparently, Mr. Thomas attempted to seduce an underling (Anita Hill) by suggesting his cock was longer than Mr. Silver's. He was lying of course. Long Dong's cock, like all 18 inch cocks, existed more in reel life than in real life. It turned out that John's long dong was actually a latex prosthetic.

6 – John Dillinger
Speaking of 18 inch dicks, perhaps the most infamous cock in US history belonged to the 1930s gangster, John Dillinger. Rumored to be between 12 inches and 22 inches, it was the talk of America in the days and weeks following his death at the hands of the FBI. In the 1950s rumors began to circulate that the penis was so impressive that it had been removed and was housed in the Smithsonian Museum. The rumor gained such traction that ever since then the Smithsonian has had to deal with hundreds of requests every year to see the exhibit. It doesn't exist of course. John Dillinger's dick was still attached to him when he was buried and no, it wasn't upwards of 12 inches. How did the rumor start? Well, probably from this picture here. And yes, in case you were wondering, stiffs can get stiffies but this is no dick tenting the sheets. It's his arm. The illusion is the result of the angle of the photo. Nevertheless, the legend persists and in light of that, Mr Dillinger deserves a place in our pantheon of great wangs.

5 – Priapus
Speaking of impossibly huge dicks that don't really exist, check out this guy. Priapus was a minor Greek deity of spectacular proportions as this Pompeian fresco depicts. And who better to join our pantheon than an actual God. According to legend, Priapus was thwarted in an attempted rape of the nymph Lotis and his unrequited lust eventually resulted in a large and permanent erection, hence the term priapism to describe a painfully enduring erection. Images and sculptures of Priapus were often placed at the entrance to country estates to ward off thieves, the implication being, if you steal from this house, this guy is going to fuck you up the ass.

4 – Tommy Lee
There are no doubt bigger-dicked celebrities than Tommy Lee. Steve McQueen's penis was described as being the size like two Coors cans welded together. Janice Dickinson said when Liam Nesson unzipped his pants, "an Evian bottle fell out." When a reporter asked the witty Ava Garder what she was doing with a 112 pound Frank Sinatra she quipped that 12 pounds was Frank and the rest was his dick. There are thousands of celebrities past and present, and if their dicks follow the same size distribution as the general population, then it's a statistical certainty that there are some whopping celebrity dicks out there. But first hand accounts are notoriously unreliable. I've seen film clips of a naked Liam Neeson and while he isn't small, he's not packing an Evian bottle either. At least Tommy's is out there for the world to see in that famously grainy home video. It's not two Coors can welded together but it's a whopper nevertheless. Tommy Lee was reported to have been embarrassed when the sex tapes of his and Pam's honeymoon were distributed over the web but it was the best career move he ever made. Before the tape he was just a drummer in a rock band. Now his dick is more celebrated than he is. As such, Tommy Lee is our token celebrity in the top ten todgers of all time.

3 – Mandingo
While there are many pretenders to the title of biggest dick in porn, including Lex Steele, Mr Biggz, Jack Napier, Tony T and others, it's generally accepted that Mandingo (b. Fred Lamont) is the biggest of the lot. While, like his porn star brethren, Mandingo claims a dick in excess of 13 inches, he is likely closer to 11 or 12. But even more remarkable than his prodigious length is the thickness, easily as large as a man's wrist. Mandingo has starred in numerous porn films and has been established as a cultural touchstone thanks to being name-checked in movies and rap lyrics.

2 – John Holmes
Although his wasn't the largest cock to ever grace the blue screen (all the above mentioned are bigger) John Holmes' is perhaps the most celebrated penis ever. Like all porn stars (hell, like all men) Holmes exaggerated the size of his penis. He claimed it was anywhere from 12 to 15 inches. His official stats list it at 13.5 inches. In truth it was between 10 and 10.5. No matter, at the peak of his career he was the biggest in the business. In fact, his dick set a standard for penile excess that forever changed the porn industry. The story of his rise through the porn business was the basis for the Boogie Nights movie. It was also the stuff of legend.

1 – Rasputin
Ra Ra Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine. The greatest dick of all time belonged to this simple Russian peasant. Why? It was huge, reportedly over 12 inches when erect. It is also steeped in mystery and was a key player in one of the most pivotal events in 20th century history. Rasputin was rumored to have been sleeping with the Russian Queen (and at least one of her daughters). He ultimately became a key advisor to the royal family and accordingly earned the jealous wrath of certain members of the nobility who set out to kill him. When they did they reputedly severed his penis from his body and flung it across the room. It was discovered the next day by a maid who took it home with her. The putatively preserved penis has recently been rediscovered and is currently on display at a museum in St. Petersburg.

Related:

Guy With The Largest Penis In The World (18.9 Inches) Got On Video To Weigh His Dick And HOLY SHIT That Thing’s Heavy

Last week we brought you the story of Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, a 52-year-old man who claims to have the biggest penis in the world at exactly 18.9 inches. Cabrera claims that having a giant dick is more of a disadvantage than an advantage, whining that women are afraid of his massive schlong and no one wants to be his friend for fear of that third leg poppin’ down the middle of his pants.

Logically, people called him out on what looked like bullshit – I mean come on. A nearly 19-inch dick? Yeah and Kylie Jenner’s tits are real. Fo sho.

Well now Cabrera has come out with a video to prove all his naysayers wrong: his dick is legit and it weighs 2 pounds. Ew.

Wearing what looks like a homemade dick censor, Cabrera hobbles around with his Johnson in his hands and…waves it around at the camera, I guess. I dunno maybe this is still bullshit and maybe it’s not, but either way we can all agree that no one wants to have a 19-inch dick.
and it,is all just fucking stupid bullshit