Large Peter Big Bust Support Group: Rasputin's Knob – The Greatest Penis Of Them All?

6 February 2006
Rasputin's Knob – The Greatest Penis Of Them All? by Paul A.

We’ve all seen porn. We’ve all heard rumors about Erol Flynn and Liam Neeson. Grace Slick won’t shut up about Jim Morrison’s show-stopping custard-chucker. There are some truly famous tallywhackers out there. But it’s worth asking - if only just for the hell of it - who’s was the greatest dick of all? Was it John Holmes? John Dillinger? Mini-Me? If it was simply a matter of size, we could just crack open the Guinness Book of Records... actually don’t bother. I just did and it’s not in there. Can you believe that? They have the longest appendix but not the longest appendage. Unbelievable.
But we don’t need to check the record book to know there are guys out there who can’t wear shorts above the knee. It’s a statistical inevitability. Penis size follows a bell curve distribution. It’s been estimated that the standard deviation for penis size is about 0.75 of an inch. That means if the average size is 6 inches, one guy in fifty is 7.5 inches. You want to find a 9-incher? Odds are you’re going to have to go through 5,000 first. Ten-inchers are one in a half-a-million. And so it goes. There are 3 billion guys out there, so there’s got to be a few fellas causing more shrieks of terror than pleasure. The largest verified measurement is 13.5 inches while David Reuben in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex mentions one of 14 inches.
But it seems to me that the Greatest Dick of Them All shouldn’t only be a matter of dimensions. The possessor should be someone of note, or notoriety. There should be a story behind it. And if these are indeed the criteria, then there’s really no contest. The greatest dick of them all, the undisputed king of dickdom, belonged to none other than Russia’s infamous love machine, Rasputin.

I don’t have the space here to go into the whole sordid story of Grigori Rasputin, the monk thing, the lover of the Russian queen thing, the single handedly causing the Russian Revolution thing. As far as this discussion goes, the only thing that’s germane is Rasputin’s bacon bazooka, and as legend has it, it was something to behold. A whopping 13 inches erect and 11 inches flaccid. And if you maintain that “size doesn’t matter,” you may change your mind after learning that Rasputin was the toast of St. Petersburg well before he was popping up in Alexandra’s bed chamber. Wilt Chamberlain had nothing on this guy. Now, if 13 inches seems extreme, it is. A woman’s vagina is highly expandable but there are limits. The vagina is attached to the uterus and ovaries. And for a woman of average height 13 inches is just touching the sternum. We’re into the lungs here for God’s sake! So, was the 13 inch estimate an exaggeration? Well, the pictures tell the story.
How do we know its Rasputin’s dick? Well that’s the claim. It’s currently on display at the Museum of Erotica in St. Petersburg and it’s obviously a monster. According to the museum’s curator it’s 11 inches, but even more impressive than the length is the girth. Towards the base it’s as thick a forearm. When erect it would have been a formidable sight. Was it thirteen inches, though? I’m guessing they’re overshooting by an inch or two, but hey, it’s still a remarkable womb-broom. The real question is whether or not it’s Rasputin’s penis. To learn the answer we’ll need to dip into history a bit.

Rasputin was a semi-religious peasant pilgrim who supposedly possessed mysterious healing powers among his other, ahem, attributes. He reputedly stopped the bleeding of the Tsar’s hemophilic heir and won the trust of the Tsarina Alexandra. He ultimately became an important advisor to the Romanovs, and in so doing earned the jealously and wrath of members of the nobility who had a natural dislike for uppity peasants with foot long schlongs and a taste for married aristocratic women. But especially galling to them was the fact that he wasreally fucking things up. Russia was at war and losing badly. Peasants were starving. The whole country was staggering toward catastrophe. Big dick or no, he had to go. And so, a small cabal formed with the intent of seeing him gone for good.
To carry out their nefarious plan, the conspirators invited Rasputin to the home of Prince Felix Yusupov. He was first poisoned with wine then with pastries, but when he was still in a party mood an hour later, the conspirators patience ran out and they shot him, point blank. Rasputin dropped like a sack of potatoes but he wasn’t down for the count. When they went to move the body, he sprang to life, attacked the Prince, and then took off like a bat out of hell.
His assassins followed him out, shot him in the back, then in the head, and then for good measure, smashed his skull in with a barbell. But Rasputin refused to die and kept crawling away. Fearing discovery, they pulled him back inside where he finally lost consciousness. Then, driven by anger, sexual depravity (the Prince was himself supposedly a lover of Rasputin) or perhaps just an honest desire to preserve something genuinely magnificent, the Prince hacked off Rasputin’s penis and reportedly flung it across the room. Now you will note that the above dick in the jar was not cavalierly sliced off, Bobbit style. The whole scrotum was removed. This seems like way too much work, but as is evident from the specimen, somebody was willing to put in the time, so why not Prince Felix? This was after all, an evening defined by excess. The conspirators then tied the body with ropes, wrapped it in a carpet and dumped it in the half-frozen river. Rasputin’s body was discovered three days later.
His wedding tackle, on the other hand, was discovered the next day by the cleaning maid. Accounts begin to diverge at this point but it seems that the dick then fell into the hands of a group of Russian women living in Paris who kept it in a wooden box and worshipped it as some kind of holy relic. According to one account, Rasputin's daughter, Marie, caught wind of this and demanded Dad’s dick back. It remained in her possession until she died in California in 1977. It then fell into the hands of an antique dealer named Mike Augustine, who bought it as part of a job lot that included some of Maria’s papers. Amongst the oddments, he found a desiccated chunk of flesh resembling the uncircumsized glans (head) of a large penis with a note identifying it as Rasputin’s penis. Mike consigned the dried-up dick to Bonham’s auction house that tested it and discovered that it was...well... a sea cucumber. Somewhere down the line somebody got duped. If Mike is on the up and up, logic would suggest it was either Maria or the girls of Paris, but at any rate, this particular trail turns out to be a dead end.
That was in1994. Now from out of the blue the great dick resurfaces in a jar of formaldehyde in a privately-run Russian Erotica museum. Igor Knyazkin, a urologist who runs the museum as part of his St. Petersburg clinic, claims that he bought it from a French antiquarian for $8,000. The fact that he’s French suggests a possible connection with the girls of Paris, but it’s all just idle speculation. Knyazkin has not been forthcoming about the antiquarian’s name and this has led to reasonable suspicion of fraud. Some, following the nautical motif, have claimed that the penis is actually some kind of clam. I’ve seen the clam. It’s not. It’s definitely a dick but is it a human dick? There have been suggestions that it’s a horse penis. But horse penises are contained in large sheaths. No such sheath or the signs of its removal are evident in the photo. It does look human. The only way to tell of course would be DNA testing and so far Knyazkin has not bothered with such trifling matters. Maybe he doesn’t want to know. Why risk exposing it as a fake even if it’s not?
Another consideration is the fact that the penis in the jar lacks a foreskin. While it’s true that circumcision was becoming common in Britain and America around the time of Rasputin’s birth, is it probable that such an operation would have been performed on a non-Jewish Russian peasant?
Where do I fall on this? I’m undecided. I’ll admit the better part of mewants to believe it’s the real deal, if only because it would be so cool if it was. The legendary dick of a legendary man, sitting in a glass jar for the whole world to gawk at. I suspect I’m not alone in this regard, which is why - despite lingering doubts about its provenance - so many people have flocked to see it. We want to believe, and whether it’s Santa, Hitler’s diaries or the Shroud of Turin, we’re a little disappointed when we learn the truth. Someday the truth will come out. But until then... holy shit man... that’s The Greatest Penis Of Them All – Rasputin’s!